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have you seen him?

Apr. 20th, 2010 | 03:51 am
mood: bouncymotivated
music: Cat Power

Thank you, It was Great. Lets make, another date real soon. In the afternoon.

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You really did it this time.

Apr. 19th, 2010 | 02:49 am
mood: scaredscared

Policy on Late Assignments:
I will take 10% of the assignment grade per day late. I will make no exceptions.


Im in big trouble. Completely spaced on my research paper. Like completely. I am lying and its no good. I know that my lies are not even believable anymore. I am risking graduating this semester. I am a failure. How did i let it come to this? I was depressed. I was lonely. I was scared. None of these are valid excuses. I already dropped one class this semester because I was too lazy to complete it. I was too scared to take a challenge and actually improve from it. I want to graduate feeling satisfied and I just feel lousy. I have nothing to show for any of this. I honestly could be fucked. That paper is late by 6 days. At this point i cant even get a good grade. What do I do?

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(no subject)

Apr. 19th, 2010 | 02:43 am

these days are going by really fast, and it is hard for me to keep up. really, im not really doing anything but letting time pass by. i dont like to do that. im just waiting for something to happen. i dont want to open my eyes. its almost like i have been dreaming for 5 straight months, good dreams and bad. i keep clutching my pillow and trying not wake up. when i do im just dreaming. and dreaming. my lip is sore. ouchy chapped lips. Nirvana and a night light. there is so much to say, i dont know where to begin. everything is sort of swirling into its own seperate entity. i cant pull different situations out anymore. i will try though.
*lost my job at graz. lamesauce. got fired for being "too provocative in the kitchen." was i wearing g strings and spanking the cooks? i dont think so. got seriously sexually harrassed and.....

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i could hold you in my arms, i could hold on forever

Mar. 8th, 2010 | 03:29 pm
location: home
mood: awake
music: Ray LaMontagne

is this real? am i really beginning a new relationship with someone? a boy? a MAN. 38 years old and a 17 year old son. Andy Glassbrenner is his name. "so selfish two words that could describe, oh actions of mine." -feist. i am feeling all these things for him. excitement, longing, passion, lust, happy, curious. i wanna see him all the time, and i have to be patient. its hard. Maybe once to twice a week. I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad one. all i know is that it feels nice to be held again. finally somewhere to hide.

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Young Bride

Feb. 12th, 2010 | 02:25 pm
location: Home
mood: chipperchipper
music: Midlake "The Trails Of Van Occupanther"

My young bride,
Why are your shoulders like that
of a tired old woman?
Like a tired old woman?

My young bride,
why are your fingers like that
of the hedge in winter?
Of the hedge in winter?

frozen lakes(?) and winter
snowshoes and hunters,
carried the curtail for you..
darkness and forests grant you
the longest
face made from pourage and stew..(?)

My young bride,
why aren't you moving at all,
helps to make the day seem shorter..
helps to make the day seem shorter..

My young bride,
Why aren't you keeping with you
all the ones who really love you,
all the ones who really love you..?

frozen lakes(?) and winter
snowshoes and hunters,
carried the curtail for you..
darkness and forests grant you
the longest
face made from pourage and stew..

Im obsessed with this song. And this band. Good news they will be in town May 23! im excited.

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My head on the door was a dream...

Dec. 10th, 2009 | 12:58 am
location: home
mood: soresore
music: The Cure

Ahh so this boy sitch. Joe A is his name to be precise. Ahhh. Its all i can really say. Ive been having trouble talking about it. I dont know what to think. Im afraid that if i let this relationship continue as it is, I will end up wanting to break it off sooner than later. I think this just calls for an old school pros and cons list. Here goes

Pros
____

1 Were in sync- he always knows what i want without me even asking
2 He is a gentleman- buys me beers, dinner, opens doors for me, etc
3 He is original, unique- makes art (dreamspheres), does his own thing, own style
4 Owns a car
5 Has his own place
6 Works Close/Lives Close to work
7 Fun to be around


Cons
____

1 He is slowly deteriorating - back surgery a few years back, hangovers are intense, etc
2 Complains a lot, which then gets in the way of "us"
3 Lost his libido- is afraid to perform, and uninterested?
4 Makes excuses for things
5 Talks over me
6 Age- 12 years older
7 Cant always share his bed with me- back thing again


Ahh this didnt help. What to do? I like him a lot. Im lonley right now. Wish i could be all wrapped up with him. The intimacy part is just supposed to flow...whats wrong...with me? whats wrong...with you?

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I will find a center in you.

Sep. 29th, 2009 | 03:51 pm
location: Home
mood: Bloated
music: Mike Richter "Puns and Cliches"

This is my favorite MR song. Its about Joe Lewis the boxer. Its so delicate. And pure. He doesn’t try and force it like the others. Thanks for the disc dogg.

So My realization of the day…
Its been almost 2 full years since I have been in a relationship with somebody. 2 years. That’s 730 days single. Im not looking at it in a bad way. I’m glad I have had my freedom and love being able to do what I want to do. But geez. Not one guy has been interested in me at all. I wanted to explore the other sex. I have sexually, but without any emotional attachments. Maybe Dshu. Lots of stuff flying around with that. But hes gone and I cannot pursue anything further. I just wanted to date one, in order to see if I could spend the rest of my life with a male. Im still not sure. Time is something we all don’t have much of. I want to utilize mine as efficiently as possible. Aside from sensual naps in the afternoon, of course. (I usually dream, so that’s not a waste right?). I want to be wrapped up in someone soon. I miss having that someone to come home to. When im just too weak to go on, I want someone to call that will reassure me. I had that. And I let it go. But I knew deep down that I could not live my life together forever w that one person. Sometimes you have to let go. And im glad I have. For her sake mostly. She was the one who thought she couldn’t go on without me, and now she is probably more happy than she has ever been. That’s what im looking for. Im just sick of not getting hit on. I know that sounds cheap and slutty of me, but I want to feel wanted too. There are soooo many pretty girls out there. They don’t have to try at all. I, on the other hand have to make up for my looks by laughter and charm. Ive been told ive got it. But I suppose it just isn’t enough. I saw Dana Tardella at church the other day (victors memorial). She was sitting in between her family, with what looked like her caring boyfriend. I always thought we were sort of in the same boat. Not the best looking, and certainly not skinny. Apparently, her boat is sailing successfully and mine is just a raft slowly gracing the water. I hope I can find someone soon. I need to reinforce my self worth.

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School....

Sep. 20th, 2009 | 03:47 pm
location: Home
mood: Fat
music: TV

School started. Its rough. Im three weeks in and just cant wait to be done. Ahh that reminds me that I have to sign up tomorrow for the govt. test. Every Monday/Wednesday I have a 6.5 hour block of classes. Yikes! Drawing I is my first class and its 2.5 hours. Its rough. I really hope that after this week I can start to get in the groove for that class. I just wish I already knew how to draw right. Im soooo ready for bed. Ill have to do this later….

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Uninvited Sadness

Jul. 21st, 2009 | 03:43 pm
location: Home
mood: anxiousanxious
music: Broken Social Scene

I am traveling down the wrong path once again. I am soooo heavy. I cannot control what is going into my mouth. How do I continue to repeat the same actions, knowing that I will not get better results? Iwona told me that constantly doing the same things over and over and expecting different results defines the word crazy. I don’t want to be crazy, isn’t there a way I can avoid this undesirable state of mind? I know we all have crazy tendencies. I am just seeming to repeat the same habits over and over and don’t think that its going to take me anywhere new. It seems I am already in that boat. My head aches. I’m rude to my friends and their friends because I am unhappy. When will I get out of this funk? I need to see something clearly soon or else I might just go blind.

Sidenote: Jessica is happy. Happy as ever. She found someone who made her not want to be crazy, and she apparently never freaks out anymore. She also spends every moment with her as well. Im not jealous that I’m not with her anymore, and that someone else is. I’m jealous that she has someone to be around, and someone to take care of.

(That’s what I do. I take care of people.)


***I either get myself out of this very soon, or I am going to have to give in, and admit defeat. This will include getting myself professional help. You decide Meg p. Have you gotten so weak that you can’t even pick yourself back up????***

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Black Swan

Jul. 20th, 2009 | 03:41 pm
location: Home
mood: tiredtired
music: Andrew Bird

My new fav song… OH NO by AB “Deep in our minds…whoooooa ooo” Andrew Bird is sooo good.

Still getting john bags and still nothing is happening. Not even a shrug of appreciation. Why do I put myself out there like that?

I got into pitchfork for free last night. Some guy just handed me a ticket and then disappeared. Saw the lips!

Last semester of school starts in a month and 11 days. Yikes!!!!!!

“So let’s get outta here, past the atmosphere. Squint your eyes, and no one dies…”

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