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Jan. 12th, 2011 | 03:31 am
location: andys in the dark
mood: aggravatedaggravated
music: counting crows

"i gotta get up from this waiting. this waiting at home. i gotta get out of the sunlight, its just melting my bones. get myself home." Geez, i haven't written those lyrics in awhile. Must be depressed? ha. Thats the only time i ever listen to counting crows. Im sad. I think i have started to get sadder and sadder lately. I have tried to make my relationships work. But i feel like yet again, this one is doomed like all the others. I love Andy. A lot. He does a lot for me. Makes me feel super warm, confident, beautiful, and talented. Why should i trade this love you say? I mean really. Is this feasible? An age difference just shy of 15 years? I never understood the true meaning of "Baggage." I have most certainly been taught the definition now, and dont think ill ever need to be reminded. A crazy ex wife who calls the cops on her own son. The mislead son who really doesnt care what he does or how he affects the people around him. The contradictory boyfriend who likes to go on tangents in which constantly confuse and aggravate me. Im afraid that i am just too young still to grow up this fast. I could date someone whos... 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 years old, and they would all be younger than andy (and probably less baggage). In someways we are just wonderful together, but in other respects it begins to just get too taxing on my heart and mind that i feel i should just leave now. I dont want to leave. I really would like this all to work out. Im just super scared. What if Brooklyn (A's son) has a baby with his new gf in the next year or so? Stay with andy and raise his kids kid? Theres no way. Def deal breaker. I want kids! I dont want them now exactly, but i feel like if andy and i are going to try and work out we need to get on having a family cuse of his age. I dont want him to be 70 before our kid would graduate college. I dont know if he quite understands my frustrations and that they could potentially ruin this beautiful relationship. What to do. oh, what to do???

"Cant you hear me?? Cuse i was screaming. Dont wake me please, Cuse im dreaming!"

_you just cant keep a good rhythm_ :(

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