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Shhh, baby's sleepin'

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Sep. 13th, 2010 | 03:45 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: Joy Division "Love Will Tear Us Apart"

im wearing makeup today, and i hardly ever do. Its starting to run. I think i am beginning to realize that maybe this relationship isnt worth continuing. What am i thinking? Marry a 40 year old man and have kids, so hes 63 when they leave the house? Ill still be young and ready for action, and he might be in a wheelchair sipping protein shakes out of a straw. I dont know why this is bothering me so, but im really starting to get annoyed with the way in which he raises his 17 year old son. He lets him sit in the dark and play video games, from the time he comes home from school till eleven or midnight each night. He is allowed to eat in his room, and is not even asked to join his father and or his father and I for a meal sometimes. He babys him in the sense that everything is done for him, from picking mushrooms out of his chinese food, to never making him get an after school job. The kid is 17, and in less than a year he has to make decisions on what he wants to do with his life. It doesnt seem like he can make many important decisions on his own. For example, if Andy wants to come stay over at my place for a day and spend the night, he has to have something all ready for him to eat--why cant the kid make his own dinner? why doesnt he cook for you sometimes? why is he allowed to stay cooped up in his room 24/7 and then when approached to have a conversation, he snaps back in a snide voice? Andy thinks this is his big year, and big things are going to change. He thinks hell be looking at schools and moving out of the house. Honestly, in my opinon, although the kid seems grown up by his facade, he is a 12 year old boy on the inside. Maybe 14, but either way he doesnt have the skills or smarts for the real world yet. If Andy thinks hes going to be able to move out next year and get a smaller place just for himself--im telling you now hes wrong. In my eyes, i see the kid maybe going to community college and staying at home for atleast the next 2-3 years. Is this the situation i want to be in? I guess a part of me really wants to be first on his list. I want to be all he worries about, and im def not. Someone in his life matters way more than I do, and i have to deal with it. I dont want to sound selfish, but im also sad when he cant be with me because he has to cater to the kid so much. Maybe if he could teach him how to be independent, maybe he would have a drivers license by now, and be able to things for himself. I mean c'mon, if the kid cant even make himself a decent meal, how will he move out and prosper? Im young and have so many years ahead of me, and there are so many different people out there. Andy does treat me so nice. Nicer than anyone ever has. Im sure there are other people out there, maybe more my age/without a kid who would treat me this kind, dont you think? The hardest part is trying to walk away from something you started, that is beautiful and bright. Its time for me to decide if this walk should be taken sometime soon.

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