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Oooh baby oooh

Oct. 28th, 2013 | 10:11 pm
location: HOME
mood: complacentcomplacent
music: Lou Reed "Coney Island Baby" RIP

Lou Reed has died of liver failure just a few months after his transplant. We lost a legend. RIP, ya Rock and Roll animal.

lou


I remember when my dad gave me a list of CDs he wanted for Christmas one year when I was in the 8th grade. "Rock and Roll Animal" was the top album listed. I was so excited to go out and buy my dad something he really wanted (aside from the standard socks i got him every year prior, haha). My mother dropped me off at the mall, and I anxiously ran off to each music store looking for the title. When I finally found it, I was dismayed by the cover art. "My dad doesn't really listen to "this" kind of music, does he????"
I checked the list again, and indeed that was the correct artist and title. I brought it home, wrapped it, and definitely made his Christmas morning the next day. I asked him the same thing I thought to myself in the music store...."Are you sure you like this? I didn't think you liked Punk/Gothic music, Dad!" He just smiled real big, put the album on and said, "you will understand when your older."

I am older now and
Man, am I glad HE listened to "that" kind of music.
Man, am I glad that I now listen to "that" kind of music.
And man, oh man am I glad that Lou Reed put out "that" kind of music.
Thanks, Lou. xoxo RIP

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Nightmare 1

Apr. 8th, 2012 | 12:39 pm
location: Home
mood: nervousnervous
music: Pink Floyd "Animals"

Wow. What an intense last hour of sleep. Seriously, that was nuts. I think this dream stems from all the 'Breaking Bad' episodes ive been watching. Lots of crime, mexicans wanting their money. etc.

I was walking home. Down my street on Springfield. A balding Mexican fellow followed me for a minute (one of my biggest fears is being followed in Chicago--or anywhere). He then stopped me and tried to talk nice to me, asking me to buy a newspaper for the homeless or something of that nature. I could tell right away he was full of shit. There was an awkward silence underneath his merchant additude. As soon as I thought, "Wow, this dude really just wants to steal my purse," his eyes opened real wide, and he began coming closer to me, his hand asking nicely for my items. I knew i should have just cooperated, but i had tons of stuff. My laptop, $$, clothes, all my ids, etc. I wasnt going to give it up that fast. He smiled and said, "oh your going to be like that, eh? Come on baby, you know i always get what I want. Your fucked."

I inched closer and closer to home, with his sweaty bald head on my every move. Finally we got to my place, and I tried running inside. No dice. He took everything I had. As this was happening, the streets were very crowded. Crack addicts and children, walking fast paced, acting as if they don't see the utter fear in my eyes. He takes my stuff, passes it along to a friend, and follows me upstairs (my back porch). My mom is inside with my Aunt Janet and Aunt Pam, drinking wine and laughing the night away. I walk in hysterical, cant breathe, just choking on every word. The dark figure is still atop my back porch, just pacing back and forth---contemplating different ways to "finish the job".

I remember asking a blonde drug addict how she deals with the streets everyday. She says she just acts like "them", either a junkie or out to get other people. I thought to myself, "she doesn't really have to try that hard"...haha, but i executed that technique all the way back home and it really was the only thing that worked.

When i approached the back porch again, dude was still there with that sick smile on his face. He was waving his hands, trying to motion to me, that the damage still needed to be done. He needed to teach me a lesson, a lesson that i should never walk the streets without being a criminal.

He started looking at the siding on the house, in the well of the back porch. Again, i could read his mind, he wanted to destroy my house. He didnt want to hurt me, but something had to break. He set the siding on fire. It burned just enough to expose the room next door, someone elses apartment. He flicked his cigarette, grabbed my bags, and went on his way.

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Random Global Warming Rant

Jul. 11th, 2011 | 11:53 am

It has been extremely hot here-and mostly everywhere else around the country for the past few days. Damn people and their ability to fuck up the earth this damn bad. If we get an inch, we take a mile. id say in regards to America's contribution to Global Warming and it's extreme aid in the depletion of renewable resources: we got a mile, but we took a road trip around the world. We really have fucked this earth up. The seasons do not know if they are separate from each other or not.  2 weeks ago it was 39 degrees, weirdly and randomly. Now its over 100 with the humidity. How do we explain this logically and without guilt? I can thank Al Gore for explaining it  

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inside of my head

Feb. 15th, 2011 | 03:55 am
location: bo bandys
mood: hungryhungry
music: radiohead/deerhunter

Pull me out of the air crash. Pull me out of the wake.

Should go to sleep, but these aches and sighs will not allow me.

Done for. She says. Too hard to move forward. Only regress to the beginning. Of Neverwas. But this time, also, of Neverwill.

One day, i am going to grow wings, A chemical reaction. Hysterical and Useless. Hysterical and...
Let down and hanging around, crushed like a bug in the grooouuund.

Is it wrong that i have anger about people i love and their actions? Do i just let it all go to avoid the confrontation, or is change the answer.

To eat my chinese food, or not. That is the question.

I keep falling over, i keep passing out when i see a face like you. What are we coming to? What are we gonna dooo? Blame it on a black star, blame it on a falling star, blame it on the sattelites!

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Hellicopters

Jan. 27th, 2011 | 03:01 am
mood: irritatedirritated

well every day do what you can
if you let them turn you round
whatever goes up
must come down

walking free
come with me
far away
every day


Everything i do is too benefit others. Why do i do this? I obviously got a lot of work to do on my own. I constantly try and help other people out and i end up getting the short end of the stick. Im sick of this. I must forget about others and work on myself.

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discipline

Jan. 12th, 2011 | 03:31 am
location: andys in the dark
mood: aggravatedaggravated
music: counting crows

"i gotta get up from this waiting. this waiting at home. i gotta get out of the sunlight, its just melting my bones. get myself home." Geez, i haven't written those lyrics in awhile. Must be depressed? ha. Thats the only time i ever listen to counting crows. Im sad. I think i have started to get sadder and sadder lately. I have tried to make my relationships work. But i feel like yet again, this one is doomed like all the others. I love Andy. A lot. He does a lot for me. Makes me feel super warm, confident, beautiful, and talented. Why should i trade this love you say? I mean really. Is this feasible? An age difference just shy of 15 years? I never understood the true meaning of "Baggage." I have most certainly been taught the definition now, and dont think ill ever need to be reminded. A crazy ex wife who calls the cops on her own son. The mislead son who really doesnt care what he does or how he affects the people around him. The contradictory boyfriend who likes to go on tangents in which constantly confuse and aggravate me. Im afraid that i am just too young still to grow up this fast. I could date someone whos... 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 years old, and they would all be younger than andy (and probably less baggage). In someways we are just wonderful together, but in other respects it begins to just get too taxing on my heart and mind that i feel i should just leave now. I dont want to leave. I really would like this all to work out. Im just super scared. What if Brooklyn (A's son) has a baby with his new gf in the next year or so? Stay with andy and raise his kids kid? Theres no way. Def deal breaker. I want kids! I dont want them now exactly, but i feel like if andy and i are going to try and work out we need to get on having a family cuse of his age. I dont want him to be 70 before our kid would graduate college. I dont know if he quite understands my frustrations and that they could potentially ruin this beautiful relationship. What to do. oh, what to do???

"Cant you hear me?? Cuse i was screaming. Dont wake me please, Cuse im dreaming!"

_you just cant keep a good rhythm_ :(

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Shhh, baby's sleepin'

Sep. 13th, 2010 | 03:45 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: Joy Division "Love Will Tear Us Apart"

im wearing makeup today, and i hardly ever do. Its starting to run. I think i am beginning to realize that maybe this relationship isnt worth continuing. What am i thinking? Marry a 40 year old man and have kids, so hes 63 when they leave the house? Ill still be young and ready for action, and he might be in a wheelchair sipping protein shakes out of a straw. I dont know why this is bothering me so, but im really starting to get annoyed with the way in which he raises his 17 year old son. He lets him sit in the dark and play video games, from the time he comes home from school till eleven or midnight each night. He is allowed to eat in his room, and is not even asked to join his father and or his father and I for a meal sometimes. He babys him in the sense that everything is done for him, from picking mushrooms out of his chinese food, to never making him get an after school job. The kid is 17, and in less than a year he has to make decisions on what he wants to do with his life. It doesnt seem like he can make many important decisions on his own. For example, if Andy wants to come stay over at my place for a day and spend the night, he has to have something all ready for him to eat--why cant the kid make his own dinner? why doesnt he cook for you sometimes? why is he allowed to stay cooped up in his room 24/7 and then when approached to have a conversation, he snaps back in a snide voice? Andy thinks this is his big year, and big things are going to change. He thinks hell be looking at schools and moving out of the house. Honestly, in my opinon, although the kid seems grown up by his facade, he is a 12 year old boy on the inside. Maybe 14, but either way he doesnt have the skills or smarts for the real world yet. If Andy thinks hes going to be able to move out next year and get a smaller place just for himself--im telling you now hes wrong. In my eyes, i see the kid maybe going to community college and staying at home for atleast the next 2-3 years. Is this the situation i want to be in? I guess a part of me really wants to be first on his list. I want to be all he worries about, and im def not. Someone in his life matters way more than I do, and i have to deal with it. I dont want to sound selfish, but im also sad when he cant be with me because he has to cater to the kid so much. Maybe if he could teach him how to be independent, maybe he would have a drivers license by now, and be able to things for himself. I mean c'mon, if the kid cant even make himself a decent meal, how will he move out and prosper? Im young and have so many years ahead of me, and there are so many different people out there. Andy does treat me so nice. Nicer than anyone ever has. Im sure there are other people out there, maybe more my age/without a kid who would treat me this kind, dont you think? The hardest part is trying to walk away from something you started, that is beautiful and bright. Its time for me to decide if this walk should be taken sometime soon.

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Sneakin' through the alley with Sally

Aug. 26th, 2010 | 11:29 am
location: cortland
mood: coldcold
music: Phish

Phish mini tour was awesome. 4 days in some of the most intense heat ever, rejoicing in the wonders of one of the best performing live bands of our time. Friday and Saturday nights were my favorite. Second night of Deercreek, first night at Alpine. They played together so well that it seemed it was better than ever. Crisp, piercing guitar solos, nitty gritty bass solos, wonderfully harmonized vocals, trampolines, vacuum cleaners, covers of late greats...the shows were sure to impress.

Favorite Nights Setlists:

Deercreek 8/13/2010
Set 1: Chalk Dust Torture, Guelah Papyrus, Axilla, I Didn't Know, Walls of the Cave, Stash, Train Song, Backwards Down the Number Line, Ocelot, The Ballad of Curtis Loew, Wilson, Possum

Set 2: Halley's Comet > Light, 46 Days > Maze, Meatstick > The Mango Song, Fluffhead, Julius, E: Contact, Slave to the Traffic Light

Alpine Valley 8/14/2010
Set 1: Tube, The Oh Kee Pa Ceremony > Suzy Greenberg, Funky Bitch, Reba, Fuck Your Face, Alaska, Back on the Train, Taste, When the Circus Comes, Lawn Boy, Sparkle, Gumbo, Run Like an Antelope

Set 2: The Sloth, Down with Disease > What's the Use, Scent of a Mule, Mike's Song > Dirt, Sneakin' Sally Through the Alley, Weekapaug Groove, Bug, E: Quinn the Eskimo

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Your on top, and it feels really good.

Jul. 3rd, 2010 | 01:57 am
location: Home
mood: calmcalm
music: The Smiths- Louder Than Bombs

Soooo...Andy. Someone ive been meaning to introduce here for a long time.

Interesting, lovable, super cute, affectionate, individualistic, well rounded, weird, eccentric, lover of all art, seeker of wisdom, older, smarter, groovier. Outspoken, silly, a pleasure, generous, father, punk rock, creative, animated, taller, sexy, dark, bright, intricate, comic book artist, writer, philosopher, music advocate, clean, smoker, divorcée, intelligent, melodic, passive, aggressive, kinky, eccentric, graphic designer, friend.

I have been seeing him since....Xmas? That is when we first kissed in the gas station parking lot. The transaction of herbal remedies and sweet kisses. Kisses that seemed to want to linger into the night, and even surpass the suns arrival. For awhile, it was just loving. Good, exquisite fun that seemed to become something more than the average "monthly friend." He would come over, usually bearing gifts--music of various mediums, always with a smile. I believe it wasn't until March? Or February? We made it offical. Damn facebook for having an option in which you can voice your relationship status to the world--with a simple spasm of the index finger. Since then, it has been nothing but kindness, intensity, butterflies, thai food, record shopping, The Smiths, giggling, cuddling, exploring, falafel, sleepovers, real orgasms, music--sooo much, kissing, etc, etc.

Lots of lists in this post. There is a lot to say about this guy. I def dig. Im happy. Very happy.



<3

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Now, im gonna rest my chemistry

Jun. 24th, 2010 | 02:56 am
location: Chicago Baby
mood: goodgood
music: Interpol

Im. 24. I. Graduated College! Holy fucking shit! I dont think i have written that down ever. Its finally starting to settle in. All those years of hard work has finally ceased. Fucking college. Not many people do it. I guess im lucky? I have about 30,000$$ in debt. But i guess its good debt. I just checked craigslist...thinking...wow i can actually get a real job--hmm no art historians needed. Im not too sure what this bachelors in art will get me, but im sure it will be somewhere. I plan on working at Ginos as much as possible to try and get the bulk of the debt out of the way. (I work downtown at Ginos East! I make very good money...average 500$ a week--such a breath of fresh air from the old place) Then i plan to travel as much as possible, taking little trips here and there visiting places around the US. Ill do this while working here in the city, and then plan at some point to spend some time overseas. I need to embrace the culture and excitement of new places. After i have accomplished this, i plan to go back to school. I want to get my masters in something?--and hopefully my travels will encourage an answer to that curiosity.

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